Letters to Anna #18

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I’m on crack! I’m a scam! I’m in love!

I found my “Vancouver”! I was not looking for it, but somehow he found me! He jump in my train and said “Hi, my name is LOVE, your LOVE!”

It’s hard and easy to write about my “Vancouver”, about how he light me up! I’m f..ing glowing!

Remember we talked latley about love and finding the one? The one who makes you be you, no restrictions? How we gonna find that complete feeling, if we ever??? I was giving “him” up, I was thinking about it, dreaming about it, but…I was in peace! I understood that is not to be found, and “my Vancouver” is just a page in a book that I will not have the chance to write.

Well…I was wrong! So wrong, Anna, so wrong! It’s the first time in my life when I have no problem of being wrong. :))))))

I was not looking for it…Ohhh, girl!…It hit me hard and strong! !…It appeared from nowhere and sweep me of my feet! Haaaaa, you will think that I lost my balance, en contraire, ma chérie, I found my balance!

I discover how it feels to float, to fly, to levitate…I’m a magician!

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The second he introduced himself to me I was lost! You know that I have the habit to look people in their eyes, I had the same boldness with him too, I was staring! This time tho, the eyes are staring back, and I’m the first to look away! I got lost in the moment, this eyes captivated and intrigued me at the same time. I wanted to freeze time and look closer! What’s their story, what makes them spark, how they smiling? How do I feel like I know them from somewhere, so familiar, so intimate, so mine? God, he has some eyes!

It’s funny, I remember my Grandma telling me this, one time :”When you fall in love you should fall for the eyes, they are the only thing that never grow old. Everything else will change, you will change too, but the eyes will be the same. If you fall for the eyes and he can keep you close just looking at you, the quest is over, you found “the one”! I remembered that the second I meet his haze!

“Fall for the eyes, my child!”

Faith has this ways of trowing something in front of you that you never expected!

But wait…..

I got scared, I didn’t want this! What if is not real, what if is just my need of love projected on this beautiful man?

Nop! Wrong agin! :)))) I was not that “lucky”! :)))))))

The feeling is so real, I never dream of love being that complete, strong and free! I feel naked in front of him. And I’m not talking about clothes, tho I feel the need to put some extra ones every time he’s looking towords me, my soul is naked.

20160605_033014He sees ME!

And you know that I love taking risks…tho…it feels more like a gift than a risk.

I dived in this feelings like I dive in the ocean, with all of me, not caring if the water is cold or what the depth is hiding. I just let the water embrace me and corres my skin, my soul! I enjoy the tranquility!

This love is crazy…the way I feel about him is crazy…

I love the way he speaks, and how he’s using the words! I can listen to him for hours, actually I did listen for hours, mesmerized. I love the way he acts, he is so simple, so complex, and so genuine. I love him the way he is, so comfortable with himself, all of him. I don’t want or need him to change anything. His imperfections are perfect for me, thats why hi’s special! That is the true essence of beauty, to me.

I’m grateful for him jumping in my train, have no words to thank him for that.

His love makes me be open, true, no games, no need to impress, no need to be someone I’m not. And because I’m like that he is the same way. He doesn’t mind if I talk to much or if I say nothing, he enjoys my presence. You know how hard is to find someone who likes YOU, to think that your flaws are incredible? I use to think it was impossible, wrong thinking!

It’s so uniq to fell asleep in his arms and wen you wake up HE is still there, unchanged, the same person that you went to bed with. He still smiles at you and don’t want to let go if you try to leave. “Lay down a little bit more”!

You lay a little bit more, and you realize that you don’t need to speak, the words are not needed! That embrace is all you live for, you want to stop time and just feel that moment!

My “struggle” with time and quest for so many memories stopped with him! I don’t need different memories anymore, I need memories of him being happy!

20160602_053052It’s all that I want, and need….HIM to be happy!

Can’t believe my luck, I get to talk about THE love. I’m so soft, but completely happy!

You know what else? ….He makes me think about future, getting better is not just “if” anymore, getting better is a necessity! I want to have a future, tho in a wired way is not a future for/with him I think about, is a future in wich I can make him proud of my adventures. HE makes me want to “kill” my Beast!

I don’t want to tell you more about him, I need to keep something for myself! All I want you to know is that I completely love him, unconditionally and free.

I have half of his heart, he has my whole one! My walls are down!

Finally, my mind and body are breathing!

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Exited about the future?  Hell yeaaaa!

#AtlantaYouBringMeLife#HapppyF…ingFeet

Letters to Anna #16

IMG_1189  Time!

Hey Anna,

it’s been a long time!

Oh God, I had some challenging days!

You know that I live my life day by day and try to make the best of every second that I have. I make the “mistake” to dream of future, to think of a purpose and make a plan to reach it!

That’s when the “Beast” tap my shoulder and said “HI, I’M HERE, what about me?!” For the first time in my life I got scared, I let my fears concur me!

What if I can’t make it? What if I don’t have time to do it? What If, what if and what if…???…so…I close my eyes and pretend that the Best is not there, trying to ignore it, hoping it will go away. Worst idea ever, because I still feel his breathe on my neck!

The irony is, I made things way too complicated, and concentrate on things that I can’t control instead of the one that I can! I felt sorry for today instead of dreaming for tomorrow!

I let my “Beast” take control of everything, I let “what if I cant’t” to start my sentences and my actions. Basically I lost myself!

Till one day… I was walking in the city and catched my reflection in the mirror windows. I stopped and looked at that girl! I’ve seen a stranger… that smile, those eyes…not mine, not ME!

The funny thing is that I did’t realize me being gone, again. I was too focused on ignoring the “Beast” presence!

so….

I thought to ask for help, and you know I hate asking for help, but who can help me “kill” the “Beast”? My family, my friends? No! My dr.’s? Not yet!

But is my fault in some extent, I never talked fully about it, how “ugly” is and what are my options. No one knows what’s going on exactly, I always say “I’m fine”! I believed that if i ignore it, wi’ll disappear. I know, is silly! It’s ironically too, ’cause I’m the best on giving proper advices and helping others, but I can’t help myself or follow my own “preachings”.

IMG_6326    so…

I took a deep breath, open my eyes, and face the “Beast”! The decision was clear and silly easy. I have to become friends with “Beast”! I will do everything in my power to achieve it, is the only way I can rediscover myself and move forward!

I need to have faith in myself again!

First, I believe that I’m here for a reason. I have to believe that!

I have a purpose, it’s a simple and a big one, suits me perfectly! Tho, I have to have faith that I’ll make the right choices for me in order to reach it.

I’m lucky to love doing my work and have passion for it!

But to find something like that, I had to get out from my comfort zone (I don’t like comfort zone) and work in a place where I meet enterprising and exiting people! People that I can trust and consider part of my family! That’s how you find that one thing you’re uniquely shaped to do, and get exposed to new opportunities. It took me a while, but I found it, I found “work” that I love doing!

I face my fears every day, and I always look forward to the next big challenge!

I was thinking a lot about my purpose in live, and I think I finally got it. It was never about doing a lot of little things but about being the best at one thing. It’s about having a big dream, and expecting big things of yourself and others, in order to make it real. That’s how you build yourself, your legacy…in the real world.

so…I promise myself to focus on being the best version of ME, and totally love that version!

Hopefully someday, many years from now, we’ll be sitting in the office, and it will occur to us that we’ve done quite well, and we’ve been successful on reaching our dreams.

Like someone said : “If you want big things out of life, must expect big things of yourself.” 

I intend to do that!!!

After all, that’s what I live for, dreams, passion, challenges and building memories!

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Letters to Anna #15

Let it snow!
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Is snowing again! Love it, I feel like we gonna have Christmas again!
For some reason I remember the last time “snow” was in the city!
I walked around the office that day and I felt like a child! Didn’t care bout the cold, I was in jacket, heels and no gloves. To feel the snowflakes on my face was priceless…I breathe the cold air like it was my last…still do that, I love cold air in my lungs!

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For me nature is a form of perfection, I love to see her “at work”.
I was talking with Ramon about perfection in all aspects. He is “preoccupied” with the performance at work, being perfect, the best in everything!
So consuming thought, you can make the best of everything and be the best version of yourself, but perfection is hard to reach!
For me every new day it’s a learning day. I always have something more to learn, things, life, myself!
I’m not perfect, far from it, but I’ll never stop trying to become the best version of myself!

I’ve always try to make the best of my time on this planet!
Because If it’s not fun, it’s not worth doing and that’s applying to all aspects of my life.

Ha, that’s hell of a ride! That’s what makes my life “perfect”, makes me feel excited to live another day.

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Oooo, and Anna…I forgot to tell you that I love you today!

#happyfeet 👣👣👣

from Anna: love you too, girl.

Letters to Anna #13

Lights down!

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Is all right, is all good!
Happy one anniversary to me! One year in this city! One year in the f…ing NY City!

I’m looking back and I can’t believe it! Who would have thought this one year ago? I didn’t see it either. I was dreaming bout Vancouver, but my Vancouver turned out to be NY!

One year!! Let’s see what I gathered in this time!
I have tons of memories, some about love, some about life, some about laughter, some I will tell you about, some not, but all good ones. I will not change a thing!
Oooo…I have one thing I’ll change…I will eat more cheesecake, blueberry cheesecake!

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So…Winter, Johnny, pancakes, Texas, tv, Angel, Roosevelt, Gaby, kiss a stranger, Milan, Jack, my girls, love, life, laughs, Boss, Anna, Razvan, Caroline, makeup, Cris, Emil, happiness…

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So you see lately, I can’t keep playing the games I’m playing every day just hiding the broken that feel inside…
Well…Every one has been broken once or twice! The only thing I feel special is because I was/am broken by something that deserved my time!

Well it’s morning…I have to run again!
Nothing can stop me!

Happy 1st anniversary to me!

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“If you’re in control you are not growing fast enough!”

#happyfeet

Letters to Anna #12

imageLife-simply gorgeous!

What happened with this world? People forget to live, they say they’re living but they’re not!
I’m looking at the people on the sub and I see no happy faces! Everyone forgot how to smile? Everyone forgot to be happy?

I have to write this to you….so…

Today, my dear, it’s about you! My friends, my NY family, my laughs, my reason to be here, my love, my happiness and joy!
It’s so natural to be happy everyday with you guys! I don’t know what I did to deserve you but I thank God for the mysterious ways that brought me to you!

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Life is so fragile and precious, people forget that we have to make the best of it not waste it!
It’s so easy to smile, try it right now, your muscles will be happy!

What it takes to make us happy every second of the day? What are we chasing? Why do we sacrifice our life? Why do we sacrifice our true happiness?
Some ppl live only seeking success! But
success is something you attract if you work on yourself, it’s not something that you will reach by pursuing it. If you’re not a better person, if you don’t give love, for you and for those close to you…then WTF are you doing with your life?

Don’t get me wrong, life is not easy, but you have two choices: you can choose to turn hardship into learning experience and find happiness, or you can dwell in the “why this happens to me, it’s not fair!!” and find unhappiness!

Today I was looking at you girls and I could not describe the “enormous” love I felt in those moments! My smile had no chance to leave my face!

I’m so f…ing lucky to have you! I even did my happy feet dance!
Thank you God!

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You know, ppl underestimate the power of love, they don’t understand that love is the key to happiness. You can have all the richness in the world, but If you don’t have love, you have nothing!

Some people say that money will by them love and happiness. In a way that could be true, but they will always know that they paid “good money” for it!

That reminds me of this article that you sent me about Harvard’s 75 year study about “living a happy life”….they began in 1938 and in 2012 they published the “astonishing” findings. There is no secret ingredient, the study revealed what everyone of us should realize ” Happiness is LOVE”!

Happiness is not money, surprise, surprise!

The study revealed that “our relationships with other people matter more then anything else in the world”. “Healthy relationships serve as an indicator for overall life satisfaction and for career satisfaction.”
Haaaa….I’m so there with that conclusion, I’ve always been.
Also, the study says ” in terms of achievement, the only thing that matters is that you be content at your work”…you know “love what you do, do what you love” kind of thing…and “not the amount of money you make is important to your happiness, but how you spend it!”

So….

In conclusion …it’s not too late to start “wasting” your time chasing for love, in order to have a happy life!

You know me….I always say: you have to look for stories, you have to live for memories.

When we have 80 years, hopefully, we are gonna remember what we loved not how much money we spent! Or we will think about money, we will think on how much money we spent on the loved ones! :))))))

It’s not the bad things that shape our life, it’s the love you give and the love you receive, so…the good memories shape our life.

imageimageLife=love=happiness!

#happyfeet

Letters to Anna #11

imageThe poem!

Did you ever cry reading a poem? I did!…the poem was about me!

“a woman sits across the table,
a decade quantums between us.
my dreams are prodigal, my boots barely broken in
for the journey.
she is, recently, terminal. her mortality
takes an extra seat at the table, takes two,
makes us both, suddenly, children.

the wrong man, the wrong hand,
imposter love gave her
a bed full of emptiness. kisses, simulations.
caress, simulacrum. the familiar face unnamed,
out of place in the only body she’s known,
missing the one who makes her belong,
makes her limbs her family.

she says, “i am not ready to be so vulnerable
again.”
i, “then, when?”
electronic, her limits surround us,
clouded uncertainty, where, when…
nucleic, inevitable, we march on
towards our only certainty,
the love she longs for painfully present
through absence.

i: sit naked, wonder if i have found
a home in my fear, built a
house of my fear, fear so familiar now
it has lost its ferocity, undone itself,
robbed me, suddenly fearless.
i: sit naked, feel home, feel found.
seen, so, hidden. discover me uncovered,
my vulnerability unravels.
i: sit naked. the simulacra man, the electron, the
limit, the two seats at the table, the eyes, the
mirror, the leap, the faith,
our only certainty, the most uncertain.” By Anna Winham

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I could not finish it! I read it 4 times, I cried 4 times!
The truth is painful!
But I’m happy to be alive today!

I’m love!

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#happyfeet 👣👣👣


 

Letters to Anna #9

 

imageFaces of love!

I’m intrigued ’bout love! Love in any form: love for life, friends, food, work and love for the other half, the greatest one (tho I don’t believe that such a thing exist anymore)!

I’m intrigued and curious, tho I have to admit “love” is the only thing that scares me in this life. At the same time it’s the thing that drives me!

So…

How you recognize the love, how do you know it’s the one? How many “right” loves can you meet in one life? What if you find “the one” and you’re not able to keep it and you lose it? Will you find it again? Can you love two “right” ones at the same time?
What are the signs that it is the one???
Where does infatuation end and where love begin? Where does love disappear after some time? What if you find the one and you don’t realize it because you are too focused on the chase? ….These are the “???” that everybody asks.
A lot of questions, right?!! I told you, I’m intrigued!

Why does everybody “fight” with this? What is love?

So…I looked for aanswers…

From a doctor’s perspective:
“Biologically, love is a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst, only more permanent. We talk about love being blind or unconditional, in the sense that we have no control over it. But love is basically chemistry. While lust is a temporary passionate sexual desire involving the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and oestrogen, in true love, or attachment and bonding, the brain can release a whole set of chemicals: pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin. However, from an evolutionary perspective, love can be viewed as a survival tool – a mechanism we have evolved to promote long-term relationships, mutual defence and parental support of children, and to promote feelings of safety and security.” by Jim Al-Khalili, theoretical physicist and science writer.
Hmmm…makes sense…I understand the mechanism behind it…but still…
Do we need love to survive?
I definitely do! It’s not like I’m gonna die, really die, but my life would be empty and that’s the truly death of ME!

From a romantic view:
“Love is always leaving the door unlocked and continuing that love when ‘other’ may choose to use the exit. Love is letting go and wishing well. Love is aching joy. Love is the safe haven. Love is arriving home.” by Howard Jones
Ohh, how I love music!…
What about that? It filled your heart, right? My heart is already bursting with this kind of love! I know “this love” so well, sometimes I feel like it’s too much!

From a nun view:
“The paradox of love is that it is supremely free, yet attaches us with bonds stronger than death. It cannot be bought or sold; love is life’s greatest blessing.” by Catherine Wybourn, Benedictine nun.

Haaaa…that’s a perfect definition of it!

So…what did I learn reading about love?
I learned that I don’t know anything! The only way I can begin to understand it is letting myself experience it without fears!
So….
From my view:
“LOVE is not what you want, it’s what you ARE!” The second approach will end the search for it, love will find you!
For me love is directly related to happiness!
And that applies to everything that I do! My way of “loving” someone is super simple. I want people that I love to be happy, I feed from their happiness.
If I know that you are happy having me around, you’re stuck with me forever!
If I know that my presence is not making you happy anymore, I will let you go ’cause I want you to be happy!
If it hurts me or not doesn’t matter, I need my loved ones to be happy in order for me to be happy!
If I broke up the relationship it’s because I felt my unhappiness. As harsh as it my be, if one is not happy none will be happy.
If you broke up with me and you think I’m hurting? Think again! I’m not! I will love you more for setting me free. Free to find another love that will enhance my growth, because for me love is not vindictive or selfish.
I heard this saying once: “love is the substance from which we are made”. That makes perfect sense for me, ’cause If you think about it we are basically the creation of our parents’ love.

So…
What I grasp to understand so far is that love is the foundation of creation!

I don’t need reasons or special days to feel and show love! Everything that I do and everything that I am is LOVE!

I wish people would understand that, it will be less drama in the world!

“From love, to love, by love.”image

“I’m love!”…”Let’s grow!”

#happyfeet