Letters to Anna #10

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My lovely Anna, thank you for coming for dinner after work! I loved the fact that were just us! Sometimes I don’t want to share my friends, I’m selfish like that!
We talk about everything, like always, but then you ask about my morning!
I realize that I try to run away from that morning the entire day!
I had to tell you…though is hard to talk about it!
So…My dear Anna…let me see if I can “paint this picture” in words?!

My morning was refreshing and painful in the same time!

I’m gonna skip the introduction and jump at the important part.

My alarm was “screaming”, 7:00 am!

My friend’s voice came from the other room: “Dana come here! Come here!”
I said “Yes, what do you need?”
Friend: “Come here, come to bed!”
I did, I listened to him and climbed on to his bed. He knew exactly what to do, he hugged me and he made me feel welcomed, because I was! But instead of being happy (you know me and the hugs) this feeling of emptiness came to conquer me and took me by surprise.
I knew and felt that his arms were around me but they were not “mine”!
That moment I realized what was missing in my life and I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
His hugs made me feel pain, the pain of not being loved!
I faced the “emptiness” and I had to admit that: I miss “him”, I’m empty inside without “him”. I need “his” hug, “his” bed. I need “him” to make me believe that I belong there, whatever “there” is! I want “him” to feel the need for me! I want to be the reason of many smiles on his face, the silent breath when he sleeps, the serenity of his face expression, the easiness in his ideas, the happiness in his days! And I want “him” to be the same in mine!
You gonna ask me, my dear Anna, “Who is him”?
“Him” is LOVE!
Though I’m lucky to be alive and have a lot of love in my life: love for my friends, love for my work, love for this city, love for life basically.

I miss THE LOVE!

It’s funny, cause I don’t look for it but that doesn’t mean is not missing!

I know…it’s hard to find it…but I’m a dreamer and I’ll keep dreaming.
someday…somehow…maybe…somewhere

#happyfeet

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Happy to live another day!

Letters to Anna #9

 

imageFaces of love!

I’m intrigued ’bout love! Love in any form: love for life, friends, food, work and love for the other half, the greatest one (tho I don’t believe that such a thing exist anymore)!

I’m intrigued and curious, tho I have to admit “love” is the only thing that scares me in this life. At the same time it’s the thing that drives me!

So…

How you recognize the love, how do you know it’s the one? How many “right” loves can you meet in one life? What if you find “the one” and you’re not able to keep it and you lose it? Will you find it again? Can you love two “right” ones at the same time?
What are the signs that it is the one???
Where does infatuation end and where love begin? Where does love disappear after some time? What if you find the one and you don’t realize it because you are too focused on the chase? ….These are the “???” that everybody asks.
A lot of questions, right?!! I told you, I’m intrigued!

Why does everybody “fight” with this? What is love?

So…I looked for aanswers…

From a doctor’s perspective:
“Biologically, love is a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst, only more permanent. We talk about love being blind or unconditional, in the sense that we have no control over it. But love is basically chemistry. While lust is a temporary passionate sexual desire involving the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and oestrogen, in true love, or attachment and bonding, the brain can release a whole set of chemicals: pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin. However, from an evolutionary perspective, love can be viewed as a survival tool – a mechanism we have evolved to promote long-term relationships, mutual defence and parental support of children, and to promote feelings of safety and security.” by Jim Al-Khalili, theoretical physicist and science writer.
Hmmm…makes sense…I understand the mechanism behind it…but still…
Do we need love to survive?
I definitely do! It’s not like I’m gonna die, really die, but my life would be empty and that’s the truly death of ME!

From a romantic view:
“Love is always leaving the door unlocked and continuing that love when ‘other’ may choose to use the exit. Love is letting go and wishing well. Love is aching joy. Love is the safe haven. Love is arriving home.” by Howard Jones
Ohh, how I love music!…
What about that? It filled your heart, right? My heart is already bursting with this kind of love! I know “this love” so well, sometimes I feel like it’s too much!

From a nun view:
“The paradox of love is that it is supremely free, yet attaches us with bonds stronger than death. It cannot be bought or sold; love is life’s greatest blessing.” by Catherine Wybourn, Benedictine nun.

Haaaa…that’s a perfect definition of it!

So…what did I learn reading about love?
I learned that I don’t know anything! The only way I can begin to understand it is letting myself experience it without fears!
So….
From my view:
“LOVE is not what you want, it’s what you ARE!” The second approach will end the search for it, love will find you!
For me love is directly related to happiness!
And that applies to everything that I do! My way of “loving” someone is super simple. I want people that I love to be happy, I feed from their happiness.
If I know that you are happy having me around, you’re stuck with me forever!
If I know that my presence is not making you happy anymore, I will let you go ’cause I want you to be happy!
If it hurts me or not doesn’t matter, I need my loved ones to be happy in order for me to be happy!
If I broke up the relationship it’s because I felt my unhappiness. As harsh as it my be, if one is not happy none will be happy.
If you broke up with me and you think I’m hurting? Think again! I’m not! I will love you more for setting me free. Free to find another love that will enhance my growth, because for me love is not vindictive or selfish.
I heard this saying once: “love is the substance from which we are made”. That makes perfect sense for me, ’cause If you think about it we are basically the creation of our parents’ love.

So…
What I grasp to understand so far is that love is the foundation of creation!

I don’t need reasons or special days to feel and show love! Everything that I do and everything that I am is LOVE!

I wish people would understand that, it will be less drama in the world!

“From love, to love, by love.”image

“I’m love!”…”Let’s grow!”

#happyfeet

Letters for Anna #8

imageHello Clarice!”

Today I’m gonna tell you about Clarice!

She is beautiful, hearted, genuine, gorgeous… in one word she’s Perfect!
I’m thinking bout the fact that nothing in life is just happening! I met Clarice for a reason, she is the definition of good, she makes my life better!
Her story is powerful…I’m not gonna tell the story of her life because it is not mine to tell…but she had no easy life! That’s why it is so fucking awesome!

One day I was “lost” in my thoughts and she told me the story of shoelaces!

You know the story!

…………………………..
I’ve never seen her sad, she’s smiling and singing all the time! The only time I’ve seen a trace of sadness was when I asked bout Anthony. I had no idea he left! But that’s another story to tell.

I’m in love with Clarice, with her strength, with her passion, smile, voice….everything!
And she winks…so European, right?!

But last night it was her birthday and we went dancing.

Is a saying that you can tell a lot about the way people are, if you observe them dancing.
Clarice? O God, Clarice looooveees to dance!
She’s flowing through music!

We are so lucky to have her in our lives, to have our one duchess!
Yes, she’s a duchess for me!image

So….:”Remember the time when we went to Fat Baby and realized that the baby wasn’t fat?!”

Happy birthday Caroline!image

Letters to Anna #7

IMG_1016  Fifty shades of pain!

“She” hit me again…I wander why that hard?! It should be easier by now…I thought we became friends and understand each other…I was wrong! :))))

I remember talking with a stranger about “everything” and at one point he said: “you have a particularly way to see and accept
the bad”
I know, that’s a understatement of how I can manage the “bad”, but this pain it’s my favorite. “She” makes me wish for things that I postponed till now, she makes me act without restrictions!
Because of her I throw away my “safe card”!

I may loose this battle with “her”…😈😱😈..
But that doesn’t mean I surrender the war!

And you know how they say that the good things come in 3 pairs?

It’s true!

Because of her, I got to work late!
I couldn’t go up in the office like that, so I text you and Boss that I’ll be late!

I was me, myself and I …tired of her…overthinking everything…:)

He ask me to stay and talk! Usually I look forward to Boss “talkings”(I don’t know if such word exists), he’s super smart, but today I’m “scared”! It’s scary the way he reads me, I feel “naked” in front of him and vulnerable. I’m not comfortable with someone having that power over me, I wanna hide!
Both of you have the power to hurt me, because you “know” ME. That’s THE most scary thought!

He said “Let me help you! Let us help you!” I looked in to his eyes, it was genuine care there. That was shocking for me, never knew how to react on that, because I didn’t have any experience with this kind of care. That look make me wish for invisibility power! I wished to be small and disappear.
He knew exactly what to say to make me cry and shake inside. It’s the 2nd time he sees me like these, he will think I’m weak, and this is not weakness this is a form of my pain. That pain that makes you wonder how/why/for what…?
The pain who makes you wanna sty and not runaway anymore! The pain who makes you look for answers and solutions of the problem instead of ignoring it!

But…

He can’t help me. At this point no one of my friends can!
I have to deal with…alone

so…
Let me own this fucking “gal”!

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#👣👣👣

Letters to Anna #6

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I sleep!

Hello my dear!

Surprise, surprise!

I had a full night of sleep, finally 6 hours! The secret? Dunno, I meditate! I took Steve advice. Remember Steve?!

I feel my brain smiling!😋😋😋
It’s rested and sees lots of things clearly, it’s so funny how a good night sleep can fix your imaginary problems.

So

I’m happy to have this day! It’s a beautiful day too, the sun is up!

I hope to change someone’s day today.
I hope I’ll say I took all that this day had to give me! I used every second of it!
By the way, you know the game we play in the sub? I win!
“I own every second, I live”

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Letters to Anna #5

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Question marks!..?????

My head is spinning from last night, didn’t want to stop!
I’m question everything, the way I work, eat, sleep, people that I see. I have a “?” for everything and everyone.
The constant “why?” Is here, bugging me, tormenting me, fucking with my brains.
The funny thing is that I’m mad whit myself…I’m so mad that my vain on the back of my head is about to explode!
Why do I do this? Because I love it!
Why do I pressure myself? Because I love it!
Why do I want to be the best? Because I love him!
Why do I want to fix this? Cos I love my freedom!
So…
Let’s take the world by surprise girl!

Let’s find you “Australia”!

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Letters to Anna #4

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I’m a hugger!

People who know me will tell you I’m a hugger.
I hug everyone! If you work with me or you are my friend you know about the hug, you like it and accept it!
You know I give the best hugs in the office! 🤗🤗🤗
I can’t remember a time when I was not a hugger.
If I’ve known you for a while, but we’ve never met in person, then you’re going to get a hug the first time we meet in real life. If you’re a friend of a good friend, then you’re going to get a hug. If you’re a colleague, and we work closely together, then we’re going to hug, too.
I don’t care if you’re male or female; you’re getting a hug. Some people will “give” the hug a meaning that it’s not there! I don’t care!
If I see you on the street and I feel you need a hug, I’ll hug you!
If you make a contest of “who has the better hug?”, I’m gonna win it!

Yes, I’m a #hugger and I like it!🤗😘🤗

You know…I’m european too!

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#happyfeet

Letters to Anna #3

Today! O my God, what a day!

I love this day cos it was a learning day!
So…
By the end the “mission” was : “Finding myself!”

I was looking for the girl who loved life…I didn’t find her anymore!

Someone dear talked to me about that girl, ” where is that girl who loved life?”

She took a break!

I’m bringing her back!

#happyfeet

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Letters to Anna #2

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Me and God…

…use to laugh together!

My dear Anna, did I tell you about my “relationship” with God? No? Well… Like all relationships…It’s complicated!

For the last 8 and half months I was giving him the silence treatment!
I became “serious” because I believed I have the right to be. Stupid choice!

I didn’t want to listen his jokes anymore.

The last one wasn’t that great, I didn’t even smiled! Basically I was upset with him and his laughter, cos I didn’t get the joke!
But it’s not him to blame for my leak of humor! It’s me for not seeing the irony and how funny it was!
Today I remember the fun we have in the past and I realized I missed it.
So…
I “called” him and asked to tell me a joke so I can see if I’m laughing again!
He told me I still have a “pending laugh” from the last one. And he reminded me the way he said it and wen.
This time it was hilarious, I laugh so hard that my ayes burst in to tears!
But now I have a joke too, better than his!

The joke is simple:”I don’t care who is winning the game anymore! I love playing it!”

Better said living it!!!!

He was laughing and asked me were is that coming from? I reviled that his last joke inspired me! For the first time since we started this “laughing game” he was impressed! Why do I think that? Because he “said” that now he has to look for a better one!
I’m sure it will take him a while! It’s tough to mach the last one, though he will mastermind something…I’m sure of that!

But now I will be ready to take it and laugh my ass of…like I always did!
So bring it on God! You gave me freedom and that’s power, power to choose the way I live this life!

My dear Anna…#happyfeet!
I’m ready to laugh with him again!

IMG_7810        I hope he is too!

Letters to Anna #1

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Just smile!

Today was all about the smile! Just smile Dana, just smile!
I tried to keep it on my face, I think I did a good job, people were smiling back!
I listen to stories of people that I meet, stories of my friends, some I have the pleasure to work with. And I see myself happy!

The smile is genuine!
The new girl Bria, she is gorgeous, make my day today. Me and you, my dear Anna, had a blast! She was the reason for my smile, she’s special and I feel will be great in everything that she wants to do, with a little bit of help!

Yeeey…The night is here…love NY by night!…It’s like a fairytale, never get enough of it!

You know me…
Usually I’m crazy about going out with friends from work, day by day, I love it and I love them! I “feed” with their positive attitude, not today!
Today was different!

I know that if something is wrong with me they will say :”don’t worry, we’ll take it from here!” But I didn’t want “the help” tonight! That’s a first and I wanna find out why?!
Maybe because You, Caroline, Hans and Brandon were missing “in action”. Or maybe don’t want them to read my pain?!
This time I don’t want to be read, for some reason I choose to sty hidden!
You, my dear Anna, are the only one I can fully trust with my struggles and sometimes my pain.

So…
Why at the end of the day I’m not happy with myself? Why???

Let’s see….???!!!!

I love what I do!
I’m lucky to have special people around me!
I’m on the road of making my dreams come true! Super exited about that!
I’m lucky to wake up every day and experience life! That’s a treat!!!
And…
I’m in the world’s most exciting city!
New fucking York!

What else do I need?
The other love?…Him? Maybe?!…hmmmm

No, don’t think so! I have it all!

So…#happyfeet!!!!

Smile Dana, smile!

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