Letters to Anna #18

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I’m on crack! I’m a scam! I’m in love!

I found my “Vancouver”! I was not looking for it, but somehow he found me! He jump in my train and said “Hi, my name is LOVE, your LOVE!”

It’s hard and easy to write about my “Vancouver”, about how he light me up! I’m f..ing glowing!

Remember we talked latley about love and finding the one? The one who makes you be you, no restrictions? How we gonna find that complete feeling, if we ever??? I was giving “him” up, I was thinking about it, dreaming about it, but…I was in peace! I understood that is not to be found, and “my Vancouver” is just a page in a book that I will not have the chance to write.

Well…I was wrong! So wrong, Anna, so wrong! It’s the first time in my life when I have no problem of being wrong. :))))))

I was not looking for it…Ohhh, girl!…It hit me hard and strong! !…It appeared from nowhere and sweep me of my feet! Haaaaa, you will think that I lost my balance, en contraire, ma chérie, I found my balance!

I discover how it feels to float, to fly, to levitate…I’m a magician!

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The second he introduced himself to me I was lost! You know that I have the habit to look people in their eyes, I had the same boldness with him too, I was staring! This time tho, the eyes are staring back, and I’m the first to look away! I got lost in the moment, this eyes captivated and intrigued me at the same time. I wanted to freeze time and look closer! What’s their story, what makes them spark, how they smiling? How do I feel like I know them from somewhere, so familiar, so intimate, so mine? God, he has some eyes!

It’s funny, I remember my Grandma telling me this, one time :”When you fall in love you should fall for the eyes, they are the only thing that never grow old. Everything else will change, you will change too, but the eyes will be the same. If you fall for the eyes and he can keep you close just looking at you, the quest is over, you found “the one”! I remembered that the second I meet his haze!

“Fall for the eyes, my child!”

Faith has this ways of trowing something in front of you that you never expected!

But wait…..

I got scared, I didn’t want this! What if is not real, what if is just my need of love projected on this beautiful man?

Nop! Wrong agin! :)))) I was not that “lucky”! :)))))))

The feeling is so real, I never dream of love being that complete, strong and free! I feel naked in front of him. And I’m not talking about clothes, tho I feel the need to put some extra ones every time he’s looking towords me, my soul is naked.

20160605_033014He sees ME!

And you know that I love taking risks…tho…it feels more like a gift than a risk.

I dived in this feelings like I dive in the ocean, with all of me, not caring if the water is cold or what the depth is hiding. I just let the water embrace me and corres my skin, my soul! I enjoy the tranquility!

This love is crazy…the way I feel about him is crazy…

I love the way he speaks, and how he’s using the words! I can listen to him for hours, actually I did listen for hours, mesmerized. I love the way he acts, he is so simple, so complex, and so genuine. I love him the way he is, so comfortable with himself, all of him. I don’t want or need him to change anything. His imperfections are perfect for me, thats why hi’s special! That is the true essence of beauty, to me.

I’m grateful for him jumping in my train, have no words to thank him for that.

His love makes me be open, true, no games, no need to impress, no need to be someone I’m not. And because I’m like that he is the same way. He doesn’t mind if I talk to much or if I say nothing, he enjoys my presence. You know how hard is to find someone who likes YOU, to think that your flaws are incredible? I use to think it was impossible, wrong thinking!

It’s so uniq to fell asleep in his arms and wen you wake up HE is still there, unchanged, the same person that you went to bed with. He still smiles at you and don’t want to let go if you try to leave. “Lay down a little bit more”!

You lay a little bit more, and you realize that you don’t need to speak, the words are not needed! That embrace is all you live for, you want to stop time and just feel that moment!

My “struggle” with time and quest for so many memories stopped with him! I don’t need different memories anymore, I need memories of him being happy!

20160602_053052It’s all that I want, and need….HIM to be happy!

Can’t believe my luck, I get to talk about THE love. I’m so soft, but completely happy!

You know what else? ….He makes me think about future, getting better is not just “if” anymore, getting better is a necessity! I want to have a future, tho in a wired way is not a future for/with him I think about, is a future in wich I can make him proud of my adventures. HE makes me want to “kill” my Beast!

I don’t want to tell you more about him, I need to keep something for myself! All I want you to know is that I completely love him, unconditionally and free.

I have half of his heart, he has my whole one! My walls are down!

Finally, my mind and body are breathing!

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Exited about the future?  Hell yeaaaa!

#AtlantaYouBringMeLife#HapppyF…ingFeet

Letters to Anna #17

20160516_234912I fall in Love! I cheat!!!

Hei Anna, I need to tell you about my quest for love! But this is not a “normal” love, this is “going crazy for” one!

I fall in love with places! I need that hunger, that rush in my blood, those butterflies in my stomach, that urge for the time to stop!

I fall in love with a place the same way you fall for a special boy! The difference is that your love for a boy may turn out to be not that special and you fall out of it, my “Loves” are always special and I never fall out of them. I fall and I fall hard, I fall at first sight, I get swept away by the beauty of every one of “them”! The more I discover about the “soul” of one, the deeper I fall and wish for more. The good and the bad is that those feelings never go away. They get under your skin and make you twitch of pleasure every time you think of the time spend “together”.

This type of Love, it’s addictive! You don’t want to stop, you always need more, and more, and f… mooooooreeeee!

This love makes me cheat and have no remorse! I give my heart so easy, it’s crazy, but can’t help it!

San Fransisco didn’t play hard to get, and I must admit I fall for his beauty and cheated! Yup, I cheated on NY with San Francisco! I fall in love with your “San Fran”, Anna, and now we share the same “love” too!

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First I fall in love with the name, San Francisco! It made me think of Science Fiction, SF, that intrigued the hell out of me. That’s how I knew it was special before I laid my eyes on “him”. I was curious how much “SF” has in it. His lights seduced me, but again, I always fall for the lights. He embraced me with his warm arms and let me experience his curvy streets. Beautiful and sunny curves! And the way his streets are dressed is exquisite, I felt blessed!  Tho his heart is old, the way I like it, his mind is hungry for everything new. Building by building, new or old, welcomed me and allowed me to discover their true beauty. From time to time I found myself lost for words, but I didn’t really have the need to speak, I felt the need to stop and breathe…the hot and breezy air sneaking into my chest makes me feel alive. It’s funny tho, in that moment every “need” of any kind disappeared completely from my mind…total blackness for “the need”…only happiness! My eyes were happy too, you know my craziness, quest for colors, I found so many colors…good thing that I had my sun glasses on! :))))

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The crazy part is that SF made me fall in love for his people too, and I’m not crazy ’bout every “Love’s” people. This guys made me smile all the time, they make me feel like time stopped. Everyday was a holiday, that’s how I felt! They took away the rush that my beloved NY brings on a “date”, and made me slow down for a change!

This Love is special tho, ’cause after keeping me happy for a few days and showing me his beauties, he whisper in my ear… “you must see the water”!

so…

13230320_10153888171113801_1951790578179156899_nPacific Cost = “the water”! 

I felt all the feelings that a lover feels, excitement, happiness, joy, rushing blood, a little bit jealousy and peace. For the first time, in a long time, I felt that “TIME” is not my “enemy” anymore. Refreshing thought, right?!

I felt like I belong there, I didn’t want to move, I didn’t need to…I just had to…maybe, someday, one day…I will ride those waves!!!

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Tho it’s heartbreaking, I had to go!

I told him ” it’s not you to blame, it’s me! I do this all the time, I’m scared of commitment! But, don’t worry, I don’t think I’ll find some “other” to settle down with.”…Not soon!… I love to be “in love”!…:)))))

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This Love has given me so much memories…so…this is never enough, I feel like I had much…If I’m gone tomorrow I have no regrets!

13232886_10153877703263801_1861332203755719864_nThank you for memories SF!

 

I can’t wait to see what my next love has to offer….ATLANTA!

Letters to Anna #14

imageDinner in NY! Are you crazy?

Remember my friend Matt?
Yup, he took me out for dinner. The funny thing is he didn’t know where to go.
I started laughing…it’s NY! Who cares where? We are in the most “wanted” city in the world and we struggle with where to have dinner? God! Sometimes I feel like ppl are blind. They’ve been lucky enough to be in this city and now they think it’s all given to them!

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This city has everything indeed! You just need to decide what/were/when and go for it. Any corner of the streets has something different to offer, it’s crazy how this works.
That’s one of the beauties of NY, you have the entire world in one place. You can go and experience any “country” you feel like.
I’m crazy bout Thai, Mexican and Indian food!

But what I’m crazier bout is this city’s heart, his restless breath, his fast pace, his fire nights!

 

This is a good life! But you have to work for it!

Coffee, bagels, fast forward time, lights, ppl, friends, creeps, hugs, burgers, music, love storys, broken hearts…cheesecake!

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Tell me what is to complain about?!

I’m happy like a fool!!!

This city is my life….for now! 😋❤️😇

#happyfeet 👣👻👣

Letters to Anna #13

Lights down!

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Is all right, is all good!
Happy one anniversary to me! One year in this city! One year in the f…ing NY City!

I’m looking back and I can’t believe it! Who would have thought this one year ago? I didn’t see it either. I was dreaming bout Vancouver, but my Vancouver turned out to be NY!

One year!! Let’s see what I gathered in this time!
I have tons of memories, some about love, some about life, some about laughter, some I will tell you about, some not, but all good ones. I will not change a thing!
Oooo…I have one thing I’ll change…I will eat more cheesecake, blueberry cheesecake!

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So…Winter, Johnny, pancakes, Texas, tv, Angel, Roosevelt, Gaby, kiss a stranger, Milan, Jack, my girls, love, life, laughs, Boss, Anna, Razvan, Caroline, makeup, Cris, Emil, happiness…

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So you see lately, I can’t keep playing the games I’m playing every day just hiding the broken that feel inside…
Well…Every one has been broken once or twice! The only thing I feel special is because I was/am broken by something that deserved my time!

Well it’s morning…I have to run again!
Nothing can stop me!

Happy 1st anniversary to me!

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“If you’re in control you are not growing fast enough!”

#happyfeet

Letters to Anna #12

imageLife-simply gorgeous!

What happened with this world? People forget to live, they say they’re living but they’re not!
I’m looking at the people on the sub and I see no happy faces! Everyone forgot how to smile? Everyone forgot to be happy?

I have to write this to you….so…

Today, my dear, it’s about you! My friends, my NY family, my laughs, my reason to be here, my love, my happiness and joy!
It’s so natural to be happy everyday with you guys! I don’t know what I did to deserve you but I thank God for the mysterious ways that brought me to you!

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Life is so fragile and precious, people forget that we have to make the best of it not waste it!
It’s so easy to smile, try it right now, your muscles will be happy!

What it takes to make us happy every second of the day? What are we chasing? Why do we sacrifice our life? Why do we sacrifice our true happiness?
Some ppl live only seeking success! But
success is something you attract if you work on yourself, it’s not something that you will reach by pursuing it. If you’re not a better person, if you don’t give love, for you and for those close to you…then WTF are you doing with your life?

Don’t get me wrong, life is not easy, but you have two choices: you can choose to turn hardship into learning experience and find happiness, or you can dwell in the “why this happens to me, it’s not fair!!” and find unhappiness!

Today I was looking at you girls and I could not describe the “enormous” love I felt in those moments! My smile had no chance to leave my face!

I’m so f…ing lucky to have you! I even did my happy feet dance!
Thank you God!

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You know, ppl underestimate the power of love, they don’t understand that love is the key to happiness. You can have all the richness in the world, but If you don’t have love, you have nothing!

Some people say that money will by them love and happiness. In a way that could be true, but they will always know that they paid “good money” for it!

That reminds me of this article that you sent me about Harvard’s 75 year study about “living a happy life”….they began in 1938 and in 2012 they published the “astonishing” findings. There is no secret ingredient, the study revealed what everyone of us should realize ” Happiness is LOVE”!

Happiness is not money, surprise, surprise!

The study revealed that “our relationships with other people matter more then anything else in the world”. “Healthy relationships serve as an indicator for overall life satisfaction and for career satisfaction.”
Haaaa….I’m so there with that conclusion, I’ve always been.
Also, the study says ” in terms of achievement, the only thing that matters is that you be content at your work”…you know “love what you do, do what you love” kind of thing…and “not the amount of money you make is important to your happiness, but how you spend it!”

So….

In conclusion …it’s not too late to start “wasting” your time chasing for love, in order to have a happy life!

You know me….I always say: you have to look for stories, you have to live for memories.

When we have 80 years, hopefully, we are gonna remember what we loved not how much money we spent! Or we will think about money, we will think on how much money we spent on the loved ones! :))))))

It’s not the bad things that shape our life, it’s the love you give and the love you receive, so…the good memories shape our life.

imageimageLife=love=happiness!

#happyfeet

Letters to Anna #11

imageThe poem!

Did you ever cry reading a poem? I did!…the poem was about me!

“a woman sits across the table,
a decade quantums between us.
my dreams are prodigal, my boots barely broken in
for the journey.
she is, recently, terminal. her mortality
takes an extra seat at the table, takes two,
makes us both, suddenly, children.

the wrong man, the wrong hand,
imposter love gave her
a bed full of emptiness. kisses, simulations.
caress, simulacrum. the familiar face unnamed,
out of place in the only body she’s known,
missing the one who makes her belong,
makes her limbs her family.

she says, “i am not ready to be so vulnerable
again.”
i, “then, when?”
electronic, her limits surround us,
clouded uncertainty, where, when…
nucleic, inevitable, we march on
towards our only certainty,
the love she longs for painfully present
through absence.

i: sit naked, wonder if i have found
a home in my fear, built a
house of my fear, fear so familiar now
it has lost its ferocity, undone itself,
robbed me, suddenly fearless.
i: sit naked, feel home, feel found.
seen, so, hidden. discover me uncovered,
my vulnerability unravels.
i: sit naked. the simulacra man, the electron, the
limit, the two seats at the table, the eyes, the
mirror, the leap, the faith,
our only certainty, the most uncertain.” By Anna Winham

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I could not finish it! I read it 4 times, I cried 4 times!
The truth is painful!
But I’m happy to be alive today!

I’m love!

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#happyfeet 👣👣👣


 

Letters to Anna #7

IMG_1016  Fifty shades of pain!

“She” hit me again…I wander why that hard?! It should be easier by now…I thought we became friends and understand each other…I was wrong! :))))

I remember talking with a stranger about “everything” and at one point he said: “you have a particularly way to see and accept
the bad”
I know, that’s a understatement of how I can manage the “bad”, but this pain it’s my favorite. “She” makes me wish for things that I postponed till now, she makes me act without restrictions!
Because of her I throw away my “safe card”!

I may loose this battle with “her”…😈😱😈..
But that doesn’t mean I surrender the war!

And you know how they say that the good things come in 3 pairs?

It’s true!

Because of her, I got to work late!
I couldn’t go up in the office like that, so I text you and Boss that I’ll be late!

I was me, myself and I …tired of her…overthinking everything…:)

He ask me to stay and talk! Usually I look forward to Boss “talkings”(I don’t know if such word exists), he’s super smart, but today I’m “scared”! It’s scary the way he reads me, I feel “naked” in front of him and vulnerable. I’m not comfortable with someone having that power over me, I wanna hide!
Both of you have the power to hurt me, because you “know” ME. That’s THE most scary thought!

He said “Let me help you! Let us help you!” I looked in to his eyes, it was genuine care there. That was shocking for me, never knew how to react on that, because I didn’t have any experience with this kind of care. That look make me wish for invisibility power! I wished to be small and disappear.
He knew exactly what to say to make me cry and shake inside. It’s the 2nd time he sees me like these, he will think I’m weak, and this is not weakness this is a form of my pain. That pain that makes you wonder how/why/for what…?
The pain who makes you wanna sty and not runaway anymore! The pain who makes you look for answers and solutions of the problem instead of ignoring it!

But…

He can’t help me. At this point no one of my friends can!
I have to deal with…alone

so…
Let me own this fucking “gal”!

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#👣👣👣

Letters to Anna #6

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I sleep!

Hello my dear!

Surprise, surprise!

I had a full night of sleep, finally 6 hours! The secret? Dunno, I meditate! I took Steve advice. Remember Steve?!

I feel my brain smiling!😋😋😋
It’s rested and sees lots of things clearly, it’s so funny how a good night sleep can fix your imaginary problems.

So

I’m happy to have this day! It’s a beautiful day too, the sun is up!

I hope to change someone’s day today.
I hope I’ll say I took all that this day had to give me! I used every second of it!
By the way, you know the game we play in the sub? I win!
“I own every second, I live”

IMG_1145 #happyfeet

Letters to Anna #5

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Question marks!..?????

My head is spinning from last night, didn’t want to stop!
I’m question everything, the way I work, eat, sleep, people that I see. I have a “?” for everything and everyone.
The constant “why?” Is here, bugging me, tormenting me, fucking with my brains.
The funny thing is that I’m mad whit myself…I’m so mad that my vain on the back of my head is about to explode!
Why do I do this? Because I love it!
Why do I pressure myself? Because I love it!
Why do I want to be the best? Because I love him!
Why do I want to fix this? Cos I love my freedom!
So…
Let’s take the world by surprise girl!

Let’s find you “Australia”!

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Letters to Anna #1

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Just smile!

Today was all about the smile! Just smile Dana, just smile!
I tried to keep it on my face, I think I did a good job, people were smiling back!
I listen to stories of people that I meet, stories of my friends, some I have the pleasure to work with. And I see myself happy!

The smile is genuine!
The new girl Bria, she is gorgeous, make my day today. Me and you, my dear Anna, had a blast! She was the reason for my smile, she’s special and I feel will be great in everything that she wants to do, with a little bit of help!

Yeeey…The night is here…love NY by night!…It’s like a fairytale, never get enough of it!

You know me…
Usually I’m crazy about going out with friends from work, day by day, I love it and I love them! I “feed” with their positive attitude, not today!
Today was different!

I know that if something is wrong with me they will say :”don’t worry, we’ll take it from here!” But I didn’t want “the help” tonight! That’s a first and I wanna find out why?!
Maybe because You, Caroline, Hans and Brandon were missing “in action”. Or maybe don’t want them to read my pain?!
This time I don’t want to be read, for some reason I choose to sty hidden!
You, my dear Anna, are the only one I can fully trust with my struggles and sometimes my pain.

So…
Why at the end of the day I’m not happy with myself? Why???

Let’s see….???!!!!

I love what I do!
I’m lucky to have special people around me!
I’m on the road of making my dreams come true! Super exited about that!
I’m lucky to wake up every day and experience life! That’s a treat!!!
And…
I’m in the world’s most exciting city!
New fucking York!

What else do I need?
The other love?…Him? Maybe?!…hmmmm

No, don’t think so! I have it all!

So…#happyfeet!!!!

Smile Dana, smile!

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