Letters to Anna #11

imageThe poem!

Did you ever cry reading a poem? I did!…the poem was about me!

“a woman sits across the table,
a decade quantums between us.
my dreams are prodigal, my boots barely broken in
for the journey.
she is, recently, terminal. her mortality
takes an extra seat at the table, takes two,
makes us both, suddenly, children.

the wrong man, the wrong hand,
imposter love gave her
a bed full of emptiness. kisses, simulations.
caress, simulacrum. the familiar face unnamed,
out of place in the only body she’s known,
missing the one who makes her belong,
makes her limbs her family.

she says, “i am not ready to be so vulnerable
again.”
i, “then, when?”
electronic, her limits surround us,
clouded uncertainty, where, when…
nucleic, inevitable, we march on
towards our only certainty,
the love she longs for painfully present
through absence.

i: sit naked, wonder if i have found
a home in my fear, built a
house of my fear, fear so familiar now
it has lost its ferocity, undone itself,
robbed me, suddenly fearless.
i: sit naked, feel home, feel found.
seen, so, hidden. discover me uncovered,
my vulnerability unravels.
i: sit naked. the simulacra man, the electron, the
limit, the two seats at the table, the eyes, the
mirror, the leap, the faith,
our only certainty, the most uncertain.” By Anna Winham

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I could not finish it! I read it 4 times, I cried 4 times!
The truth is painful!
But I’m happy to be alive today!

I’m love!

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#happyfeet 👣👣👣


 

Letters to Anna #10

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My lovely Anna, thank you for coming for dinner after work! I loved the fact that were just us! Sometimes I don’t want to share my friends, I’m selfish like that!
We talk about everything, like always, but then you ask about my morning!
I realize that I try to run away from that morning the entire day!
I had to tell you…though is hard to talk about it!
So…My dear Anna…let me see if I can “paint this picture” in words?!

My morning was refreshing and painful in the same time!

I’m gonna skip the introduction and jump at the important part.

My alarm was “screaming”, 7:00 am!

My friend’s voice came from the other room: “Dana come here! Come here!”
I said “Yes, what do you need?”
Friend: “Come here, come to bed!”
I did, I listened to him and climbed on to his bed. He knew exactly what to do, he hugged me and he made me feel welcomed, because I was! But instead of being happy (you know me and the hugs) this feeling of emptiness came to conquer me and took me by surprise.
I knew and felt that his arms were around me but they were not “mine”!
That moment I realized what was missing in my life and I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
His hugs made me feel pain, the pain of not being loved!
I faced the “emptiness” and I had to admit that: I miss “him”, I’m empty inside without “him”. I need “his” hug, “his” bed. I need “him” to make me believe that I belong there, whatever “there” is! I want “him” to feel the need for me! I want to be the reason of many smiles on his face, the silent breath when he sleeps, the serenity of his face expression, the easiness in his ideas, the happiness in his days! And I want “him” to be the same in mine!
You gonna ask me, my dear Anna, “Who is him”?
“Him” is LOVE!
Though I’m lucky to be alive and have a lot of love in my life: love for my friends, love for my work, love for this city, love for life basically.

I miss THE LOVE!

It’s funny, cause I don’t look for it but that doesn’t mean is not missing!

I know…it’s hard to find it…but I’m a dreamer and I’ll keep dreaming.
someday…somehow…maybe…somewhere

#happyfeet

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Happy to live another day!