Month: February 2016

Letters to Anna #13

Lights down!

image

Is all right, is all good!
Happy one anniversary to me! One year in this city! One year in the f…ing NY City!

I’m looking back and I can’t believe it! Who would have thought this one year ago? I didn’t see it either. I was dreaming bout Vancouver, but my Vancouver turned out to be NY!

One year!! Let’s see what I gathered in this time!
I have tons of memories, some about love, some about life, some about laughter, some I will tell you about, some not, but all good ones. I will not change a thing!
Oooo…I have one thing I’ll change…I will eat more cheesecake, blueberry cheesecake!

image

So…Winter, Johnny, pancakes, Texas, tv, Angel, Roosevelt, Gaby, kiss a stranger, Milan, Jack, my girls, love, life, laughs, Boss, Anna, Razvan, Caroline, makeup, Cris, Emil, happiness…

image

So you see lately, I can’t keep playing the games I’m playing every day just hiding the broken that feel inside…
Well…Every one has been broken once or twice! The only thing I feel special is because I was/am broken by something that deserved my time!

Well it’s morning…I have to run again!
Nothing can stop me!

Happy 1st anniversary to me!

image

“If you’re in control you are not growing fast enough!”

#happyfeet

Letters to Anna #12

imageLife-simply gorgeous!

What happened with this world? People forget to live, they say they’re living but they’re not!
I’m looking at the people on the sub and I see no happy faces! Everyone forgot how to smile? Everyone forgot to be happy?

I have to write this to you….so…

Today, my dear, it’s about you! My friends, my NY family, my laughs, my reason to be here, my love, my happiness and joy!
It’s so natural to be happy everyday with you guys! I don’t know what I did to deserve you but I thank God for the mysterious ways that brought me to you!

image

Life is so fragile and precious, people forget that we have to make the best of it not waste it!
It’s so easy to smile, try it right now, your muscles will be happy!

What it takes to make us happy every second of the day? What are we chasing? Why do we sacrifice our life? Why do we sacrifice our true happiness?
Some ppl live only seeking success! But
success is something you attract if you work on yourself, it’s not something that you will reach by pursuing it. If you’re not a better person, if you don’t give love, for you and for those close to you…then WTF are you doing with your life?

Don’t get me wrong, life is not easy, but you have two choices: you can choose to turn hardship into learning experience and find happiness, or you can dwell in the “why this happens to me, it’s not fair!!” and find unhappiness!

Today I was looking at you girls and I could not describe the “enormous” love I felt in those moments! My smile had no chance to leave my face!

I’m so f…ing lucky to have you! I even did my happy feet dance!
Thank you God!

image

You know, ppl underestimate the power of love, they don’t understand that love is the key to happiness. You can have all the richness in the world, but If you don’t have love, you have nothing!

Some people say that money will by them love and happiness. In a way that could be true, but they will always know that they paid “good money” for it!

That reminds me of this article that you sent me about Harvard’s 75 year study about “living a happy life”….they began in 1938 and in 2012 they published the “astonishing” findings. There is no secret ingredient, the study revealed what everyone of us should realize ” Happiness is LOVE”!

Happiness is not money, surprise, surprise!

The study revealed that “our relationships with other people matter more then anything else in the world”. “Healthy relationships serve as an indicator for overall life satisfaction and for career satisfaction.”
Haaaa….I’m so there with that conclusion, I’ve always been.
Also, the study says ” in terms of achievement, the only thing that matters is that you be content at your work”…you know “love what you do, do what you love” kind of thing…and “not the amount of money you make is important to your happiness, but how you spend it!”

So….

In conclusion …it’s not too late to start “wasting” your time chasing for love, in order to have a happy life!

You know me….I always say: you have to look for stories, you have to live for memories.

When we have 80 years, hopefully, we are gonna remember what we loved not how much money we spent! Or we will think about money, we will think on how much money we spent on the loved ones! :))))))

It’s not the bad things that shape our life, it’s the love you give and the love you receive, so…the good memories shape our life.

imageimageLife=love=happiness!

#happyfeet

Letters to Anna #11

imageThe poem!

Did you ever cry reading a poem? I did!…the poem was about me!

“a woman sits across the table,
a decade quantums between us.
my dreams are prodigal, my boots barely broken in
for the journey.
she is, recently, terminal. her mortality
takes an extra seat at the table, takes two,
makes us both, suddenly, children.

the wrong man, the wrong hand,
imposter love gave her
a bed full of emptiness. kisses, simulations.
caress, simulacrum. the familiar face unnamed,
out of place in the only body she’s known,
missing the one who makes her belong,
makes her limbs her family.

she says, “i am not ready to be so vulnerable
again.”
i, “then, when?”
electronic, her limits surround us,
clouded uncertainty, where, when…
nucleic, inevitable, we march on
towards our only certainty,
the love she longs for painfully present
through absence.

i: sit naked, wonder if i have found
a home in my fear, built a
house of my fear, fear so familiar now
it has lost its ferocity, undone itself,
robbed me, suddenly fearless.
i: sit naked, feel home, feel found.
seen, so, hidden. discover me uncovered,
my vulnerability unravels.
i: sit naked. the simulacra man, the electron, the
limit, the two seats at the table, the eyes, the
mirror, the leap, the faith,
our only certainty, the most uncertain.” By Anna Winham

image

I could not finish it! I read it 4 times, I cried 4 times!
The truth is painful!
But I’m happy to be alive today!

I’m love!

image

#happyfeet 👣👣👣

 

Letters to Anna #10

image

My lovely Anna, thank you for coming for dinner after work! I loved the fact that were just us! Sometimes I don’t want to share my friends, I’m selfish like that!
We talk about everything, like always, but then you ask about my morning!
I realize that I try to run away from that morning the entire day!
I had to tell you…though is hard to talk about it!
So…My dear Anna…let me see if I can “paint this picture” in words?!

My morning was refreshing and painful in the same time!

I’m gonna skip the introduction and jump at the important part.

My alarm was “screaming”, 7:00 am!

My friend’s voice came from the other room: “Dana come here! Come here!”
I said “Yes, what do you need?”
Friend: “Come here, come to bed!”
I did, I listened to him and climbed on to his bed. He knew exactly what to do, he hugged me and he made me feel welcomed, because I was! But instead of being happy (you know me and the hugs) this feeling of emptiness came to conquer me and took me by surprise.
I knew and felt that his arms were around me but they were not “mine”!
That moment I realized what was missing in my life and I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
His hugs made me feel pain, the pain of not being loved!
I faced the “emptiness” and I had to admit that: I miss “him”, I’m empty inside without “him”. I need “his” hug, “his” bed. I need “him” to make me believe that I belong there, whatever “there” is! I want “him” to feel the need for me! I want to be the reason of many smiles on his face, the silent breath when he sleeps, the serenity of his face expression, the easiness in his ideas, the happiness in his days! And I want “him” to be the same in mine!
You gonna ask me, my dear Anna, “Who is him”?
“Him” is LOVE!
Though I’m lucky to be alive and have a lot of love in my life: love for my friends, love for my work, love for this city, love for life basically.

I miss THE LOVE!

It’s funny, cause I don’t look for it but that doesn’t mean is not missing!

I know…it’s hard to find it…but I’m a dreamer and I’ll keep dreaming.
someday…somehow…maybe…somewhere

#happyfeet

image

Happy to live another day!

Letters to Anna #9

 

imageFaces of love!

I’m intrigued ’bout love! Love in any form: love for life, friends, food, work and love for the other half, the greatest one (tho I don’t believe that such a thing exist anymore)!

I’m intrigued and curious, tho I have to admit “love” is the only thing that scares me in this life. At the same time it’s the thing that drives me!

So…

How you recognize the love, how do you know it’s the one? How many “right” loves can you meet in one life? What if you find “the one” and you’re not able to keep it and you lose it? Will you find it again? Can you love two “right” ones at the same time?
What are the signs that it is the one???
Where does infatuation end and where love begin? Where does love disappear after some time? What if you find the one and you don’t realize it because you are too focused on the chase? ….These are the “???” that everybody asks.
A lot of questions, right?!! I told you, I’m intrigued!

Why does everybody “fight” with this? What is love?

So…I looked for aanswers…

From a doctor’s perspective:
“Biologically, love is a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst, only more permanent. We talk about love being blind or unconditional, in the sense that we have no control over it. But love is basically chemistry. While lust is a temporary passionate sexual desire involving the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and oestrogen, in true love, or attachment and bonding, the brain can release a whole set of chemicals: pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin. However, from an evolutionary perspective, love can be viewed as a survival tool – a mechanism we have evolved to promote long-term relationships, mutual defence and parental support of children, and to promote feelings of safety and security.” by Jim Al-Khalili, theoretical physicist and science writer.
Hmmm…makes sense…I understand the mechanism behind it…but still…
Do we need love to survive?
I definitely do! It’s not like I’m gonna die, really die, but my life would be empty and that’s the truly death of ME!

From a romantic view:
“Love is always leaving the door unlocked and continuing that love when ‘other’ may choose to use the exit. Love is letting go and wishing well. Love is aching joy. Love is the safe haven. Love is arriving home.” by Howard Jones
Ohh, how I love music!…
What about that? It filled your heart, right? My heart is already bursting with this kind of love! I know “this love” so well, sometimes I feel like it’s too much!

From a nun view:
“The paradox of love is that it is supremely free, yet attaches us with bonds stronger than death. It cannot be bought or sold; love is life’s greatest blessing.” by Catherine Wybourn, Benedictine nun.

Haaaa…that’s a perfect definition of it!

So…what did I learn reading about love?
I learned that I don’t know anything! The only way I can begin to understand it is letting myself experience it without fears!
So….
From my view:
“LOVE is not what you want, it’s what you ARE!” The second approach will end the search for it, love will find you!
For me love is directly related to happiness!
And that applies to everything that I do! My way of “loving” someone is super simple. I want people that I love to be happy, I feed from their happiness.
If I know that you are happy having me around, you’re stuck with me forever!
If I know that my presence is not making you happy anymore, I will let you go ’cause I want you to be happy!
If it hurts me or not doesn’t matter, I need my loved ones to be happy in order for me to be happy!
If I broke up the relationship it’s because I felt my unhappiness. As harsh as it my be, if one is not happy none will be happy.
If you broke up with me and you think I’m hurting? Think again! I’m not! I will love you more for setting me free. Free to find another love that will enhance my growth, because for me love is not vindictive or selfish.
I heard this saying once: “love is the substance from which we are made”. That makes perfect sense for me, ’cause If you think about it we are basically the creation of our parents’ love.

So…
What I grasp to understand so far is that love is the foundation of creation!

I don’t need reasons or special days to feel and show love! Everything that I do and everything that I am is LOVE!

I wish people would understand that, it will be less drama in the world!

“From love, to love, by love.”image

“I’m love!”…”Let’s grow!”

#happyfeet

Letters for Anna #8

image“Hello Clarice!”

Today I’m gonna tell you about Clarice!

She is beautiful, hearted, genuine, gorgeous… in one word she’s Perfect!
I’m thinking bout the fact that nothing in life is just happening! I met Clarice for a reason, she is the definition of good, she makes my life better!
Her story is powerful…I’m not gonna tell the story of her life because it is not mine to tell…but she had no easy life! That’s why it is so fucking awesome!

One day I was “lost” in my thoughts and she told me the story of shoelaces!

You know the story!

…………………………..
I’ve never seen her sad, she’s smiling and singing all the time! The only time I’ve seen a trace of sadness was when I asked bout Anthony. I had no idea he left! But that’s another story to tell.

I’m in love with Clarice, with her strength, with her passion, smile, voice….everything!
And she winks…so European, right?!

But last night it was her birthday and we went dancing.

Is a saying that you can tell a lot about the way people are, if you observe them dancing.
Clarice? O God, Clarice looooveees to dance!
She’s flowing through music!

We are so lucky to have her in our lives, to have our one duchess!
Yes, she’s a duchess for me!image

So….:”Remember the time when we went to Fat Baby and realized that the baby wasn’t fat?!”

Happy birthday Caroline!image

Letters to Anna #7

IMG_1016  Fifty shades of pain!

“She” hit me again…I wander why that hard?! It should be easier by now…I thought we became friends and understand each other…I was wrong! :))))

I remember talking with a stranger about “everything” and at one point he said: “you have a particularly way to see and accept
the bad”
I know, that’s a understatement of how I can manage the “bad”, but this pain it’s my favorite. “She” makes me wish for things that I postponed till now, she makes me act without restrictions!
Because of her I throw away my “safe card”!

I may loose this battle with “her”…😈😱😈..
But that doesn’t mean I surrender the war!

And you know how they say that the good things come in 3 pairs?

It’s true!

Because of her, I got to work late!
I couldn’t go up in the office like that, so I text you and Boss that I’ll be late!

I was me, myself and I …tired of her…overthinking everything…:)

He ask me to stay and talk! Usually I look forward to Boss “talkings”(I don’t know if such word exists), he’s super smart, but today I’m “scared”! It’s scary the way he reads me, I feel “naked” in front of him and vulnerable. I’m not comfortable with someone having that power over me, I wanna hide!
Both of you have the power to hurt me, because you “know” ME. That’s THE most scary thought!

He said “Let me help you! Let us help you!” I looked in to his eyes, it was genuine care there. That was shocking for me, never knew how to react on that, because I didn’t have any experience with this kind of care. That look make me wish for invisibility power! I wished to be small and disappear.
He knew exactly what to say to make me cry and shake inside. It’s the 2nd time he sees me like these, he will think I’m weak, and this is not weakness this is a form of my pain. That pain that makes you wonder how/why/for what…?
The pain who makes you wanna sty and not runaway anymore! The pain who makes you look for answers and solutions of the problem instead of ignoring it!

But…

He can’t help me. At this point no one of my friends can!
I have to deal with…alone

so…
Let me own this fucking “gal”!
…

IMG_6522

#👣👣👣

Letters to Anna #6

IMG_1059 

I sleep!

Hello my dear!

Surprise, surprise!

I had a full night of sleep, finally 6 hours! The secret? Dunno, I meditate! I took Steve advice. Remember Steve?!

I feel my brain smiling!😋😋😋
It’s rested and sees lots of things clearly, it’s so funny how a good night sleep can fix your imaginary problems.

So

I’m happy to have this day! It’s a beautiful day too, the sun is up!

I hope to change someone’s day today.
I hope I’ll say I took all that this day had to give me! I used every second of it!
By the way, you know the game we play in the sub? I win!
“I own every second, I live”

IMG_1145 #happyfeet

Letters to Anna #5

IMG_1167

Question marks!..?????

My head is spinning from last night, didn’t want to stop!
I’m question everything, the way I work, eat, sleep, people that I see. I have a “?” for everything and everyone.
The constant “why?” Is here, bugging me, tormenting me, fucking with my brains.
The funny thing is that I’m mad whit myself…I’m so mad that my vain on the back of my head is about to explode!
Why do I do this? Because I love it!
Why do I pressure myself? Because I love it!
Why do I want to be the best? Because I love him!
Why do I want to fix this? Cos I love my freedom!
So…
Let’s take the world by surprise girl!

Let’s find you “Australia”!

IMG_1178